Preparation of The Adult
Maria Montessori, in many of her books, speaks of the preparation of the adult and the preparation of the environment as two very important components of working with children whether as a parent or an educator. Much of Montessori’s work is based on observation – watching children so they could teach us, indirectly about what they want, what they need, and what inspires them and keeps a love of learning alive. Early on, through observation, and her studies in medicine, Maria discovered that children do what we do, now what we say. As such, we are role models. Children are watching us all the time and they mimic our behaviors. If we are joyful and excited about learning, they will also be. If they see patience, love, and empathy, they will display patience, love and empathy. If we mistrust them, engage with them with dishonesty, exert too much control, or neglect them, they will develop beliefs about not being good enough, loveable enough or worthy. Yes…the first step in the preparation of the adult is that we work on ourselves and become as whole, as authentic, and as in love with ourselves as we can be. Then, we can love and educate the children in a way in which they deserve. Next, we must understand the sensitive periods and psychological characteristics of children in their different planes of development. For example, children in 0 – 3 classrooms are unconscious learners and have interest in exploring and engaging in the world through desire and impulsivity. Knowing this, we prepare environments where they can do just that and not hurt themselves! Montessori also taught us about the sensitive periods for order, language, and independence. Whether at home or in school, a child of this age should have consistent routines and order in her world. Schedules should remain the same daily as much as possible. Adults should be predictable in their presence, in their emotional states, and with their boundaries and their displays of love and acceptance. The work of independence at this age is around self-care and toileting so allow the child who is standing to wear underwear and develop independence with toileting naturally and progressively. Please understand the immense benefit of the three-year age group in a Montessori environment. This mimics a society and allows children to be the youngest, the middle and the oldest child in any community. In their homes, their birth order will always be what it is. In Montessori, they can experience all three. Imagine your child being with the same teacher for 3 – 4 years and the incredible connection that can be formed between the student, the teacher, and the family! The Montessori trained Guide is called a Guide because we are guiding children to reach their full potentials and develop their passions as well as their cosmic tasks. The Montessori teacher has extensive training in child development and psychology and can observe, intervene and redirect within the context of freedom and responsibility without punishing, employing consequences or shaming the child. That teacher is also able to give lessons with beautiful materials that are attractive to the child, fun to manipulate and provide a multi-sensory approach to learning and exploring. As the children become older – after the age of six, that sense of order becomes internalized so they can be flexible and will not demand as much order with respect to schedules and order of materials, things and their sequence. They are high in energy, curiosity, imagination and need for socialization. If they were not offered adequate amounts of consistency, routine, and order in their younger years, they may show signs of anxiety, disorganization, and scattered attentions. The Montessorian also understands the adolescent – wanting to separate from parents; much like toddlers. They understand the need for self-expression, valorization, and appropriate and respectful supervision. Academic rigor is equally important as is their need to dabble in the world of adult living. They should be managing money; ideally running a business and participating the financial planning for both home and school. The preparation of the adult is extremely important. Understanding planes of development, psychological needs and characteristics, most importantly, and observing each child and teaching her needs.`Maria Montessori, in many of her books, speaks of the preparation of the adult and the preparation of the environment as two very important components of working with children whether as a parent or an educator. Much of Montessori’s work is based on observation – watching children so they could teach us, indirectly about what they want, what they need, and what inspires them and keeps a love of learning alive. Early on, through observation, and her studies in medicine, Maria discovered that children do what we do, now what we say. As such, we are role models. Children are watching us all the time and they mimic our behaviors. If we are joyful and excited about learning, they will also be. If they see patience, love, and empathy, they will display patience, love and empathy. If we mistrust them, engage with them with dishonesty, exert too much control, or neglect them, they will develop beliefs about not being good enough, loveable enough or worthy. Yes…the first step in the preparation of the adult is that we work on ourselves and become as whole, as authentic, and as in love with ourselves as we can be. Then, we can love and educate the children in a way in which they deserve. Next, we must understand the sensitive periods and psychological characteristics of children in their different planes of development. For example, children in 0 – 3 classrooms are unconscious learners and have interest in exploring and engaging in the world through desire and impulsivity. Knowing this, we prepare environments where they can do just that and not hurt themselves! Montessori also taught us about the sensitive periods for order, language, and independence. Whether at home or in school, a child of this age should have consistent routines and order in her world. Schedules should remain the same daily as much as possible. Adults should be predictable in their presence, in their emotional states, and with their boundaries and their displays of love and acceptance. The work of independence at this age is around self-care and toileting so allow the child who is standing to wear underwear and develop independence with toileting naturally and progressively. Please understand the immense benefit of the three-year age group in a Montessori environment. This mimics a society and allows children to be the youngest, the middle and the oldest child in any community. In their homes, their birth order will always be what it is. In Montessori, they can experience all three. Imagine your child being with the same teacher for 3 – 4 years and the incredible connection that can be formed between the student, the teacher, and the family! The Montessori trained Guide is called a Guide because we are guiding children to reach their full potentials and develop their passions as well as their cosmic tasks. The Montessori teacher has extensive training in child development and psychology and can observe, intervene and redirect within the context of freedom and responsibility without punishing, employing consequences or shaming the child. That teacher is also able to give lessons with beautiful materials that are attractive to the child, fun to manipulate and provide a multi-sensory approach to learning and exploring. As the children become older – after the age of six, that sense of order becomes internalized so they can be flexible and will not demand as much order with respect to schedules and order of materials, things and their sequence. They are high in energy, curiosity, imagination and need for socialization. If they were not offered adequate amounts of consistency, routine, and order in their younger years, they may show signs of anxiety, disorganization, and scattered attentions. The Montessorian also understands the adolescent – wanting to separate from parents; much like toddlers. They understand the need for self-expression, valorization, and appropriate and respectful supervision. Academic rigor is equally important as is their need to dabble in the world of adult living. They should be managing money; ideally running a business and participating the financial planning for both home and school. The preparation of the adult is extremely important. Understanding planes of development, psychological needs and characteristics, most importantly, and observing each child and teaching her needs.
Parenting with Emotional Intelligence: A Blog About a Podcast!
Those of you who have been reading my blogs and/or listening to my podcasts should know that ToolHows’ Parenting with Emotional Intelligence and Love podcast was nominated as a Top Emotional Intelligence Podcast by Welp Magazine. The article published is here: https://WelpMagazine.com/?p=17395. I am thrilled with the recognition that this work has attracted and proud to be recognized by Welp magazine while sharing this knowledge, wisdom and support. Parents…if you have not listened to the podcast, please do! It covers an array of material beginning with the whole and graduating to the detail. We do not go through an intensive or extensive education or training to become parents. Most of us begin the parenting journey with a mindset that we will do all we can to be better parents to our children than our parents were to us. The reality, however, is that during times of stress, we resort to what we are comfortable with. And, what we are comfortable with is what we know – even if we don’t like it. The podcast begins with an invitation for parents to brainstorm the following: – – – – What do they want for their children in terms of characteristics and skills? What are their parenting challenges? What strategies to address the challenges have been tried? Do these (oftentimes reactive) strategies help model and/or help children develop the characteristics and skills? The podcast goes on to emphasize that we, as parents, invite certain behaviors from our children – even the ones that drive us crazy! Once we begin to unpack ourselves, and shift some of the ways in which we interact with our children, we begin to grow and begin to find more joy in parenting. Continue listening and learn about: – – – – Important perceptions and skills to help your children develop. How language semantics makes a huge difference The need behind your child’s behavior Supporting your child’s language development, empowering them, encouraging them, observing them and preparing yourself to support your child’s potential. Here it is! Parenting with Emotional Intelligence and Love Podcast nominated as one of the top 20 emotional intelligence podcasts of 2021. Listen, enjoy, and share! https://anchor.fm/shawn-edwards1.
The Seasons of Parenting, Teaching and Leading
“Spring passes and one remembers one’s innocence.
Summer passes and one remembers one’s exuberance.
Autumn passes and one remembers one’s reverence.
Winter passes and one remembers one’s perseverance.”
– Yoko Ono
I recently listed to a podcast 1about the personalities of summer, fall, winter, and spring and how these physical, global seasons influence, guide, and shape our internal moods, motivation, and productivity. As I was running through the trails of Central Texas, listening to the content of the podcast, I became inspired to write about this as it relates to our work as parents, teachers, and leaders. Let us Play…. It Is Summer! Teachers: Summer is often associated with fun and play. A time of running, exploring, and HAVING FUN. That is certainly true for many teachers who are taking time off from their routines and busy schedules of lesson planning and the other multi-tasking roles that keep us “on” and focused during the school year. It is also a time when we can revisit activities that restore and rejuvenate us. We may spend more time playing the guitar, kayaking, writing, reading, or engaging in a hobby or sport of choice. “Flow”2 is probably more prominent in our lives during summer as we have more time to be with that which we love. Days are also longer, warmer, and the energy of others around us motivates us to go, go, go. It is so important to invest in ourselves and our rejuvenation during these times as flow begets flow. Yes, when we disengage from our work routine, to be with ourselves and that which we love, we become more productive when our routines resume. Soak it up educators! Parents: We do the same during summer, yet often in different ways. This is a time to shorten your work week, spend more time outdoors, and spend more time playing with your children. Enjoy the long days and the boundless activities that are available to you and your families while maintaining consistency and routine as much as possible for your younger ones who will seek the safety and assurance of predictability. Also, build in time for you during these months and make time to engage in activities that you love that are just for you! Use that time to be in flow, and to let those synapses in your brain sparkle and connect so that when you are with your family, you are re-energized and ready to joyfully engage. And by doing so, you are modeling for your children that the world is a joyful and safe place to explore and grow. Do not overschedule your family for fear of facing chaos and losing control. Allow your children to be “bored” and find something to do occasionally – it forces them to be in silence, with themselves, where reflection and creativity can and will emerge.
Leaders:
For leaders who are educators, this is the time for summer camp in schools, lighter schedules, and more physical activity inside and outside of schools. This is when we play. Play with students, play with staff, and infuse play and recreational activity into your worlds. Dr.’s Bob and Judith Wright, who led the Wright Graduate University for the Realization of the Human Potential speak of play as an important component in our conscious development. The principle of play is especially important; it is the interaction that allows basic hunger needs (belonging and significance) to be affirmed. 3 Your play, as a leader, is about engagement, and capitalizing on the risks of speaking your truth and being vulnerable, open, and PRESENT with those whom you lead. Play is not always fun – it can be confronting and even combative at times, but the shake up is followed by rebirth and growth so…do it!
Letting the Leaves Fall…Autumn!
Fall is a time to reflect on what you want to let go of and what you want to hold onto in your lives. Trees, during the fall season, are letting go of their leaves in preparation for new growth that will emerge in the spring. They do not try to hold onto those leaves. Sometimes, however, we as humans do try to hold onto things that the universe is begging for us to let go of.
Teachers:
-A perception of a student that is holding the student back and negatively impacting your
relationship.
-Classroom systems and routines that are no longer serving the students or you
-Power struggles
-Tension with colleagues, assistant teachers, etc.
Parents:
Schedules that are impeding joy, creativity, and time for reflection, etc. in your life and the life of your family.
A limiting belief.
Unhealthy habits.
Patterns that are not serving our children: rescuing, persecuting, shaming, punishing, avoiding, overprotecting.
Leaders:
What can you release or shift so you and your team are in sync?
o An annual calendar event that has gone stale.
o Mandates and expectations that enable and discourage rather than enable and
empower.
o The need to be connected to an outcome.
o The need to be right or to control.
o Shifts in time management, etc.
o Toxic employees
Who, What and Where…It is Winter!
After shedding in the fall, winter comes so we can heal and reflect. Do not avoid the coldness and harshness of winter; instead, lean into it. Be with yourself and activate or build on that internal locus of control. Where are you in your life and your work and what do you want? It is O.K. for this to be a time of recovery and planning rather than producing. Recovery is as important as progress because this is what feeds and allows for the progress. This is the time for annual intention wheel development where quarterly and annual goals are created around the major life themes: relationships, family, career, social life, and finances.
Teachers:
-Self-care and time for quiet reflection and/or journaling
-Classroom observations (the observations tell you want the children need)
-Assessments (where are they and where do they need support?)
-Integrated projects that highlight learnings in the fall semester.
-Building on skills
Parents:
-Self-care and time for quiet reflection and/or journaling
-Planning for spring and summer
-Holding family gatherings and meetings and deepening intimacy
-Organizing your home for better functionality and purposeful activity and movement
Leaders:
-Self-care and time for quiet reflection and/or journaling
-Classroom observations
-Student assessments
-Planning for staff assessments and spring activities
-Parent and staff gatherings and deepening content and strengthening relationships.
Now We Grow – Spring!
After shedding, recovering, and contemplative planning, it is time for rejuvenation and rebirth! You have let go, dove deep into the where and what of what you want for yourself, your work and for those it impacts, so begin to build the new and the different. Just as the physical world is bolstering new life all around you, you build your intentions and the teams that will bring those intention to fruition.
Teachers:
-Cumulative learning projects
-Presentations
-Celebrations
-Visioning
-Putting plans into action
Parents:
-Winter planning turns into intentional action.
-Systems and routines are improved and reinstated.
-Communication is encouraging, loving, and empowering.
-Your home allows all to function with a sense of capability, safety, trust, and success.
-Personal goals are put into action and becoming more internalized as parts of who you
are.
Leaders:
-Calendars are created and distributed with the traditional and the new that you have
visioned.
-Staff evaluations and self-evaluations are in process.
-Visions and intentions for fall are discussed and put into action.
-Celebrations and acknowledgements are abundant.
Even if your internal seasons are out of sync with mother earth’s seasons, make sure you playhard for three months, let go and shed for three months, contemplate, and look within forthree months and put rejuvenation and rebirth into action for three months.
Parents, teachers, and leaders, we are all in this together. Let us support one another and
continue to grow and strive to reach our full potentials until we are no longer here to do so!
Oh The Drama!
We all experience times when chaos and drama prevails in our lives. It shows up in families, in schools, in classrooms, and in the workplace. The Oxford dictionary defines the word drama as “an exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances.” Sound familiar? it is quite the buzz word these days because drama is everywhere. Why is that?
Most people have what psychologist, Julian Rotter, would call an external locus of control. We seek our value and our thirst for belonging and significance from the external world: acknowledgements, acceptance, compliments, rewards, awards, certificates, etc. People today struggle with making decisions from an internal barometer (internal locus of control) and attempts to do so fall flat if there is not a solid core of integrity developed. We look at the outside world to decide if we are O.K. and we blame the world when we don’t feel O.K. Yes, we persecute others, decide that we are victims and are thrilled when someone swoops in to rescue us.
Stephen Karpman wrote about the ways in which people create and remain stuck in drama triangles. He bases his model on the work of Eric Berne, who wrote about the games people play in the transactional analysis roles of mischievous child, critical parent or adult. Individuals have a tendency to step into a drama triangle playing a specific role, yet they often switch roles throughout the game leaving everyone confused and immersed in chaos.
Consider the following family scenario:
A teenage daughter goes out for the evening on a Friday and does not come home until Sunday afternoon. She doesn’t call to let her parents and family know that she would not be returning home. As expected, parents were worried and concerned. She walks through the door on Sunday afternoon, and then they are relieved and also angry.
- Father: “Where were you?”
- Daughter: “I was at Shannon’s house.”
- Father: “No you weren’t. We called her when we were looking for you and she said you had not been in touch with her for months!”
(persecutor)
- Daughter…crying.. “Why do you need to know? It’s none of your business.”
Victim
- Father…visibly upset: “You’re lying. Where were you?”
- Daughter: “None of your business!”
- Father: “None of my business? You’re my daughter and my responsibility and you’re driving my car!”
victim
- Father (yelling): Also…it’s completely unacceptable for you to be gone for two days and two nights and not call us to Why didn’t you call to let us know you were O.K.?
persecutor
- Daughter: Well I didn’t have any cell service and didn’t know what to do.
victim
- Mother (also yelling): Yes you did…you called my sister because she told me you called her to ask her how to talk to us about the fact that you were gone for the weekend with no communication.
persecutor
- Daughter (crying and sobbing even harder): Well I knew you were going to yell at me and punish me so I didn’t want to call you.
victim
- Mother: “It’s O.K. we’re just glad you are alive and well and have returned home in one piece.”
rescuer
- Father: No it’s not o.k in any sense of the word! You’re grounded and you’re not taking the car EVER AGAIN!!!!
persecutor
- Daughter: “I hate you…I’m moving out.”
persecutor
- Mother: (addressing father): “Oh you’re always screaming and overacting. Stop being so controlling.”
persecutor
- Father: “Excuse me? You’re making this about me when she goes missing for two days and didn’t even have the decency and respect to call us!”
victim
- Mother: “Well maybe she didn’t want to be here with you!”
persecutor
- Daughter: “Yea…I hate you dad! I didn’t call because I knew you’d tell me I had to come home…and I didn’t want to hear you screaming when I finally did come home.”
persecutor
- Mother: (addressing daughter) “oh…so you could have called? Does this mean you did have service?”
persecutor
- Father (addressing mother): “Why do you care? You’re protecting her anyway and making it seem like it’s my fault.
victim
- Daughter: “yea mom. Dad’s right. Why do you care?”
rescuor
- Mother: “to hell with all of you. I’m going out!”
victim
Mother slams the door and leaves, daughter goes to her room and slams the door and father retreats to his recliner and turns on the television.
Do you see how the drama triangle roles have everyone spinning around with no path toward resolution? Victims persecute, the persecutors become victims and everyone takes turns rescuing to obtain feelings of value.
Communication is neither truthful or authentic when drama is prevailing. Productivity is hindered and personal accountability is no longer honored. Why? Because we are caught in a cycle of avoidance and deflection. We are playing games when we are caught in a drama triangle and we are not taking responsibility or being responsible for ourselves or our relationships. The only way to end a dramatic culture is to begin taking responsibility, encourage others to do the same and remove yourself from situations where others are not taking responsibility.
Instead of the banter of anger, blame and shame above, consider the following:
Father (mother standing next to him): “Oh, you are home. I am happy to see that you were O.K. We were up all night and were expecting you to be home or to call us to let us know where you were and whether or not you were O.K.”
Daughter: “Why should I have to call you? I’m old enough to take care of myself and I don’t really feel like I should have to check in.”
Mother: “We have all agreed on a time that you would be home, conditions in which you can use the car and the importance of keeping us informed if you ever feel that you are in a situation where you are not able to honor those agreements. I would like to revisit these agreements with you before you take the car again.
Daughter: “I HATE YOU.”
Mother: “I hear that you are angry with me. I’d like to hear more about that when you feel like talking. AND, until we can revisit our agreements and everyone feels good about it, the keys will stay with me.
Father (and mother agreeing): “I, too, would love to hear about your anger and feelings of hate when we have all had some time to calm down. I am going for a run and will see both of you later.”
Daughter: goes to her room and closes the door.
Mother: engages in her normal scheduled activities.
In this situation, the daughter attempts to play the victim and the persecutor. The parents, instead of participating in the game, acknowledge and affirm her feelings and then set the boundary. They also reference past agreements which they are all expected to follow. When the daughter persecutes them with a threat of hate, they retreat, set the boundary again and remove themselves from the deflective emotion and offer to talk when she also takes some responsibility. They’ve given her the power to approach them when she is calm and ready to assume accountability- assuming she wants to use the car again, which she likely does.
When we respond to others and the stimuli of life from an internal locus of control based on a moral compass of high integrity, we don’t move into positions of persecution, victimhood or rescuer. We don’t need to because we know how to validate ourselves, take responsibility and accountability and expect others to do the same. We are “O.K.” and we know that others can be “O.K.” too, even if they don’t think they are.
The way to avoid the drama triangle is to take responsibility and to be O.K. Thomas Harris writes about this in his book, “I’m O.K., You’re O.K.” Read it and stop the drama. Hold yourselves and those around you accountable to be O.K. and replace drama with truth, growth and productivity.